Somehow I Made it Through

Well folks, it's the end of the world as we know it...

Wait...

That's not right...

It's the end of another year. I started this year with nothing to look forward to and I'm ending it pretty much the same way. I've had some pretty good times this year and somehow made it through the really crappy times as well. I started a new full-time job, quit the jobs that actually used my education moved to a new place with Amanda, Amanda moved to Texas, and been crushed time and time again. I've spent lots of time with family in an effort to stay sane. I went through periods of not wanting to be social and feeling very alone. I've tried to make myself a better person and yet somehow I still get rejected.

Please understand that I really am doing okay. I'm making plans to move forward with my life alone because that's the only life I have ever known (and seemingly will ever know). I wish I could just not ever think about the possibility of finding a nice guy and eventually getting married but when that's one of your most important dreams - and all you hear in a singles' ward - then it's hard to not see the possibilities out there. I'm happy for all my slightly older friends out there who found someone and got married this past year, but at the same time I'd like to have a chance.

This year I have gone on more dates than ever before in my life. Yet this has also been the year when I have been informed by guys that I'm "amazing", "wonderful", "out-of-this-world", "thoughtful", "a great woman", and yet not for any of them. Thinking about that makes me wonder if that means I'm somehow too good for all the guys I know, but that can't be it. I have my faults and imperfections. I simply try to do what I know to be right and not lower my standards. It's not easy to be in the single scene - even in the Mormon world - when you really don't know how to date, when you've never had anything close to a real relationship with a guy, and when you have nothing to say when others start talking about their first kiss.

But enough about that!!! I'm moving forward with my life. The depression is at bay for the time being. I'm going to the Young Single Adult New Year's Dance tonight and will have a glorious time partying the rest of this year away.

BRING ON 2011!!!!!!

Feelin' Good

So, it's time I reveal the difficult decision that I made and followed through with last week. I no longer work at Sylvan. :-(  It was tearing me up inside trying to decide and the stress of trying to make it work was stressing me out and deepening the depression I was in. Last Thursday was my last time teaching those wonderful students. It was very bittersweet walking out at the end of the night.

Meanwhile, I have been feeling so much better than I was for the past couple of months or so. It kind of came upon me when I was least expecting it. I first noticed it at work last Wednesday while eating lunch with Kim. I don't even really remember why but I remember laughing about something - really laughing, nothing fake about it. That continued Wednesday night at the last Institute gathering of the year. I found myself enjoying being around people instead of thinking "maybe I should just go home". I forgot how good it feels to feel good. I'm very glad I started feeling better before last Friday! You are now wondering "why before Friday?" Well, I'm about to tell you why...

For over 3 months now I've had a date planned with my friend Jason Aldridge (a.k.a. Jason Bourne or Matt Damon) to go see the Blue Man Group perform in downtown Denver. I have wanted to go see the Blue Man Group live for a long time and that is not something you can anticipate and be excited about going to and remain in a depression. The whole night was the most fun I've had in a long, long, long time! Jason told me he would come pick me up at 5:45. The time came and he wasn't here yet, but then my phone rang. He got out of work late and wanted to let me know he was on his way. He came to my door (no honking on this date!) and walked me to his car where he opened the door for me. Traffic was bad because tons of people were headed downtown for concerts and performances and whatnot. We had planned to go to dinner before the show, but we only had an hour. We both wanted something to eat and drink so we walked down the street to Starbucks for Salted Carmel Hot Chocolate and lemon pound cake. We talked and laughed and burst out into random songs (not too random as they were usually Christmas related). We walked back to the theater and found the awesome seats Jason bought in the orchestra section. I had seen videos of the Blue Man Group before so I knew what was going to happen several times but Jason had only seen them in those Intel commercials back in the 90's. He was on the edge of his seat practically the whole show. We laughed more and cheered and sang and read and had a most amazing time. Sadly the show came to an end and we left the theater. We were both hungry so we walked back down the street to Rock Bottom Brewery for dinner. We pretended to have British accents when we walked in and spoke with the hostess. We talked so much that it took us longer than it should have to order food. I got Jambalaya that was actually served over rice for a change! (Usually restaurants that are not associated with the south serve it with pasta - which would really make it Pastalaya.) I was so tired, but was having so much fun that I didn't want the night to end. We got back to my place at 1:00 AM and he actually parked the car and walked me to my door. Such a gentleman!

I'm so glad I got the chance to enjoy such a fun night. I really needed all the fun I had this past weekend after feeling so depressed for so long. We'll see how long it lasts, but I'm hoping and trying to make it last for at least thrice as long as the depression!

Difficult Decisions

The time has come to act on some unmade decisions that have been looming over me for some time now. I will wait to say what these decisions are until after they are finalized as I don't want any premature comments made. But these decisions have been an almost constant distraction since I started my new job. It doesn't help that I find little to no enjoyment in my job, but it is a regular paycheck that is helping me be more independent. I'm still hoping and praying for a good job as a librarian. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life. I want things to be better. Though I find life very challenging right now and have been quite down for a while telling me I should "suck it up" is NOT helpful! I have many things on my mind, so if you see me staring off into space it is because of these difficult decisions I am trying to make. I am dealing with a different kind of loss. At least I have a wonderful sister close by with an awesome husband and four great children. Spending time with them has helped more than anyone or anything else. I can hardly wait for Christmas when the whole family will be together here in Colorado. Maybe that time with family will help me even more despite having to work my tail off before and after.

Just when...

Just when I was starting to find life and the new job tolerable the universe throws a wrench into everything. You see, Amanda went for a library job interview in Texas about a week and a half ago not knowing where it would go from there. Last Thursday afternoon she got a call from the director in Texas informing her that she was selected for the job. It's amazing and really great for her that she finally got the long sought after library job. I want everyone to understand that I really am very happy for Amanda in this new venture. That being said, it really sucks for me. I have to try to find a new roommate at some point so Amanda can eventually be taken off the lease (until then we've talked about handling the finances so I'm not left holding the bag all by myself). I no longer have that one friend in my life that was in almost the same predicament as me. I've really been feeling like I am totally alone in my life and that no one understands what I'm feeling or experiencing. And yet somehow I keep going. I'm glad this week of work is over tomorrow afternoon thanks to the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm glad I decided to stay in Colorado for the holidays since holidays are the only time off I get from this job until sometime next year. I'm glad I have family I can count on more than anyone else in my life. I'm glad I have a bishop that is willing to listen to my concerns and advise me in a way that I'll actually listen.

In other news, I have submitted applications for several librarian positions with Denver Public Library (DPL)  in the hopes that I will actually have the chance to be a librarian and leave this job that I do not enjoy.

And lastly, I want to say congratulations to my older sister and brother-in-law on 11 wonderful years of marriage. Happy Anniversary Katie and Ryan! Thanks for allowing me to be a part of you family life over the past several years. I really enjoy living so close to ya'll and visiting when my schedule allows.

It's About That Time

I've been working full-time for two weeks now, but things still don't feel right in my life. I'm doing fine with going to bed early each night, waking up early each morning, making it to work on time, learning how to do the job well, and balance things in my life for the most part. The jobs is not bad - it's just not what I want to be doing at this point in my life. You think I'd be used to disappointment by now but for some reason I keep coming back for more. I hope for a good job in a field that I studied in college only to face frustration in my search. I hope for a possible relationship with a decent guy only to be ignored and rejected at every turn. I hope for a life better than the one I have only to wake up every morning unsure how I will even make it through the day. But make it I do. Somehow I move on in my life with what's given to me. I don't want advice as to what I should do. I don't want to be reminded of what I've done wrong - things I've neglected to do, etc. I just want a listening ear, someone who will just let me cry because the tears just tend to come. And yet I know that no one will understand. I know that because I don't even fully understand myself. So, I'll carry on alone, unsure of what to expect in the future.