Becoming Jeane

Over the past few weeks I've had the chance to reflect on just how much I have changed since I moved here 4 years ago and even the changes I've experienced over the past few months. Often these reflections would come as I visit with my friends here in Colorado, most of whom I've only recently become close to. Those who knew me when I was growing up in Louisiana knew me as a quiet, reserved girl who very rarely would open up to those around her. Even in college I was quiet and shy and would often spend most of my free time at home by myself. When I moved to Colorado I decided that this was an opportunity for me to reinvent myself and I would make an effort to be more outgoing. But this change was in no way immediate. Though I was making more of an effort to be social I was still very reserved and kept to myself more than I reached out. I went to the church activities but left feeling just as alone as always. Slowly I became friends with people at church, more because of their efforts than my own.

I remember having a conversation with my good friend Ashlee one night. I was having a rough time and was frustrated with dating or more accurately the lack there of. She encouraged me to be more outgoing and flirt more with all the guys. My response to this: I don't know how to flirt. Fast forward to today. I am now one of the more flirtatious among my friends and quite enjoy my adventures in shameless flirting. Those who've met me within the last few months have a very hard time believing that I wasn't always this way. I even like flirting with all the
guys and seeing the different reactions that come from everyone.

There have been other things that have changed about me since I moved here but I think the flirting is the best example of how I have become the Jeane I am today. And what's even better is that I feel more comfortable with who I am than I ever have before. There will likely be times when someone around me doesn't like the way I act or what I say or who I am but the way I see it that's there problem. I am who I am at all times. I don't change who I am because that would make me a hypocrite. Plus, I know there are plenty of people out there who like me just the way I am.

On The Passage of Time...

I realized today that it's been 5 weeks since my last post. I want to post more often but several things happened all at once leaving me no time to blog. Since my last post I have started working again. I was talking with Katie on day about how I really needed a job when my phone rang. It was the staffing agency I interviewed with back in May telling me they had a long term temp assignment for me. What a tender mercy! I started the assignment on July 25. It's with a small-ish company called InterCall in Highlands Ranch. This is my 4th week there and though the pay isn't as much as I was making and it's only temporary (through about the end of the year) I am loving it so much more than my time spent at Dish Network. I work with some amazingly fun people and the atmosphere is so much more laid back. Granted, the work could be more interesting to me but for now it's a source of income and a means to occupy my time.

In addition to working again I'm still being kept very busy with church responsibilities and finding time for family and friends. The week that I started working turned out to be very, very busy for me. A dear friend needed some cheering up so I decided to have a movie night at my place. Well, my place was still a bit disorganized so I had to do my best to make it presentable. I needed bookcases more than anything else so my friend Candi and I made the quickest IKEA run ever at 8:30 on a Thursday night ( IKEA Centennial had just opened the day before) after I got off work, went to the grocery store, went to see my nephew for his birthday, and played volleyball at church. I got the bookcases I wanted and it was quite the trip getting them into my car. I hadn't exactly thought everything through so I wasn't sure how I'd get these long, heavy boxes into my apartment. I decided to call a friend who lives just a few miles from me to see if he and his brother would mind helping me. He agreed so I was able to get my twins named Billy into my apartment and put together without killing myself in the process. Thank you so very much Candi for going with me and helping me piece together my furniture and to Ryan and Eric for willingly being the muscle when I really needed it. (Yes Mom and Katie, I have learned how to ask for help from men!) Anyway, on Friday I still had lots of cleaning to do before people started coming over and I had to work. Luckily, I found out that on Fridays at my new job most people worked through their lunch break and left early. This was exactly what I needed because I had so much to do at home. I some how got everything done and was able to enjoy the company of friends.

The next day I went down to my aunt and uncle's place in LaJunta for a visit. My cousin Philip had just returned from his two year mission to Argentina so I figured it was a good reason to go Katie, et al, came down too and John even made the trip up from Lubbock. It was really nice getting to spend time with family though I couldn't stay long. We had a bbq on Saturday and went to church with them on Sunday to hear Philip speak. After the meeting we took some pictures and then I headed back north so I could make it to my own church meetings (I made pretty good time too). It was a good thing I did go back for my own meetings because I ended up being the only member of the Relief Society presidency there for all 3 hours. It was a little frustrating and I was exhausted but it was a good day.

There have been other things going on in my life. I've got an amazing new friend (she's the Louise to my Thelma) and I don't know what I'd do without her right now. There has been much shameless flirting on my part. It's my new favorite pastime and I've got some awesome stories from it too (perhaps in another post...). Some of you who read this know quite a bit about some of the other things going on with me right now. For the rest of you, all I'll say is that I'm waiting right now and if/when I have something more to tell, rest assured that I'll let you know. In the meantime know that I am happy with my life and am very glad I stayed in the southern suburbs.

The Nephew Test

Yesterday I went to my sister's to watch the older 3 kids while she took the little p-nut to the doctor to get a cast on his arm (the crazy kid broke it while playing on the trampoline). I hadn't seen them in over a week because they'd gone out of town to visit family and I really missed them. As soon as I got there my James-y (aka: my son-by-another-mother) showered me with love and admiration. As I spent time with him and his siblings I took note of the special treatment they give me - hugs, kisses, cuddles, sharing, etc. I thought about how these kids, who mean the world to me, show in the simplest ways that they love me and from my observations I decided to create "The Nephew Test". This is my new tool by which I can decide if a guy is worth my time and energy. So, if there are any interested men out there up for the challenge take note because I'm giving you the answers that will help you pass this test with flying colors!!!

THE NEPHEW TEST
- He makes me smile
- He makes me laugh
- He gives me a big hug whenever he sees me
- He cuddles with me when we are watching TV or movies
- He wants to hold my hand and does so often
- He gives me kisses (on the cheek)
- He feeds me M&M's ( without hesitation)
- He enjoys going on dates with me whether it's to the theater or the park

If you think you are man enough to pass this test then start by asking me on a date.

FYI - the ultimate nephew test will be when and if you have passed the above test and I decide you are worth introducing to the nephews (and niece of course). They are such a big part of my life and I value their opinions - especially my James-y!

Miss Popularity

If you had told me even just a year ago that people would be fighting to spend time with me I would have rolled my eyes, laughed in your face, and said "whatever"! Oh, how things have changed! I have apparently become ...


I'm not sure if I like this new found popularity though. I am used to doing my own thing. But when you have promised time to many other people (and you are like me in that you do your best to keep your promises) then doing your own thing kind of goes out the window. Please don't get me wrong - I love spending time with all of my friends and getting to catch them up on what's going on in my life. But when that takes time from other pursuits (like my new found favorite shameless flirting) I get a little frustrated. It's nice to be wanted, but can it be in smaller doses or a bit more spread out please. That way it won't take away from my shameless flirting time. ;-)

Another successful move...

I have been in my new place for a couple of weeks now and I absolutely love it! I love all the changes that have taken place in my life over this past month. I was a little stressed about having to go through my stuff, purge as much as I could, and move everything I kept yet again (4th time since I moved here 4 years ago) but there was a big difference this time. This time I had amazing friends who were more than willing to help me pack and move without making me feel horrible for having stuff (I know I have a lot of stuff - I don't need any commentary on it). I planned everything out to move most of my stuff on the day I got the keys and then move my furniture the next day. I got up early to load up my car with a few things so I could be at my new place as soon as the office opened. I signed the papers, got the keys and went down to my new place. There were a few things that I could really complain about (very little parking, not much storage) but the good really does outweigh the bad here. I have a great view and it is all MINE!!! I'd asked one of my guy friends who lives nearby to come help me upload the stuff in my car (not that I couldn't do it on my own, I just didn't what to) and I'm so glad he did come. I was already starting to feel overwhelmed and anxious and he brought me back to where I needed to be to stay sane - calm, focused, and laughing. That day was a long day but we were able to get most of the thing I wanted to move that day including my bed. That night I worked on confirming with everyone who'd volunteered to help me the next day. Cue stress! Almost everyone was backing out! Luckily I have some pretty awesome friends who came to my rescue and found me other guys to help. I was still nervous about being able to move the last of my stuff without taking too much of everyone's time (I hate being an inconvenience to anyone) because I only had access to one truck that I knew of. But the amazing friends came to my rescue again with a second truck! We were able to get it all in one trip and I was finally moved into my own place. I still have a bit of work to do. I need to find creative storage solutions. I can hardly wait for IKEA to open so I can get the bookcases I want.

I've Been Away Four Years and a Day...

Today as I was going through some of my junk in preparation for yet another move I came across the calendar from when I moved to Colorado in 2007. When I flipped through it I realized that I have officially been away from Louisiana for 4 years (and a day) now. Of course this reminded me of a BNL song from their album All In Good Time: I've been away 4 years and a day. You'd be thinking I'd be lonely, but I'm out here to stay. I wouldn't have it any other way!

I thought about leaving this area, but there are other things at work here. I feel like I have a purpose in staying here and especially in moving into Castle Rock even if I don't currently have a job. I'm still looking for gainful employment and doing my best to de-clutter my life. It's a bit of a process but I'm making some progress. I can hardly wait for the end result!

Uncharted

I have been told since my last post that I was too cryptic about what I really am doing. Therefore let me take the opportunity to clarify a little and add to what was previously said. I am staying in the Denver Metro area in the southern suburbs. I have found a nice one bedroom apartment in the Castle Pines area. When I went looking for a new place to live I felt drawn to the Castle Rock area for some reason and settled on the place I found in Castle Pines. The really interesting thing is I originally felt good about this area because it would still be with in the boundaries of the Crowfoot Ward where I have been going to church for the past 4 years. But as I said in my last post, change happens...

A little over a week ago it was announced that Crowfoot would be getting a new bishop. I was sad but understood well the need for change and that it was a good time to call a new leader for the ward. Knowing that the change in bishop would come the first Sunday in June I took the opportunity this past weekend to make a quick trip over to Utah to see my family (including my aging cat). I drove over Friday night with my little sister arriving at the parenets' house around 3AM. The visit was nice but I was missing my friends back in Colorado. I wanted to be kept informed about the last Sunday with Bishop Calvert so I had Kim text me updates (she said nothing amazing would happen). Well, it turns out it's been decided that it is time for a split in the Crowfoot Ward. I wondered if this would happen since the Parker Stake split back in March and Crowfoot was covering 3 stakes (Parker, Parker South, and Castle Rock). The split will happen this next Sunday in conjunction with the change in ward leadership. Parker and Parker South will keep Crowfoot and Castle Rock will get it's own Young Single Adult Branch (a branch is like a smaller version of a ward). So, even though I decided on my new place partly because it would keep me in Crowfoot that is no longer the case. I returned to Colorado on Monday knowing that I will be moving into the boundaries of the Castle Rock Stake once again and therefore will be a part of this new branch. This will be my last week in Crowfoot, but I will be in good company even though we will be few in number in the beginning. I do not know everyone that will be in the new branch but I do know I will be surrounded by several of my friends (Kim, Barbie, Crystal, Jenny, Danny, Ryan, Jason, Jared -- look ma, I named guys too!).

To all my friends who will remain in Crowfoot, I will miss seeing ya'll every Sunday. I tried to stay in the ward but I think someone else had other plans for me. We will still have opportunities to hang out and you will have to come see my new place once I'm moved in.

I am excited to be a part of the creation of a new YSA Branch for the church. That is something I have never been privileged to be a part of before. I have said several times in the past that I know that I was led to move to this part of the Denver area but could never really say why. It's at this time that I look to the wonderful example of Esther: "And who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14) Change has come and I plan to embrace it!

It's about time for an update...

Well folks, I guess I've held off long enough from telling the blogosphere what comes next for me. After being unhappy with my job at dish network for seven months I am quitting. This was not as easy a decision as I would have liked since I do not currently have anything else lined up by way of employment. This week is my last week of having to go to a place that was a decent job and source of income at a time when I needed it but also a place that I dreaded going to everyday. I was never happy working there. I only felt like I could make it through each day after I gave my supervisor my notice to leave the company. I am grateful for the friends I made while working there - especially my friend Kim who has continued to give me strength even after she left the company back in February. (We still see each other at church but it was at dish where we first became friends).

In addition to me leaving my job I will be moving. The question remains as to where. When I initially decided to quit my job I thought about moving in with my grandmother in Broomfield for a while. This is still an option, but as the time has gotten closer to the end of my current lease I have once again felt that it is not yet time for me to leave the Parker/Castle Rock area. I know there are plenty of people that will be frustrated with me (I'm sorry to my family who has had to endure my flip-flopping back and forth). I have considered going elsewhere in the last few months more than I have in a long time. I know I could succeed where ever I go in anything I do, but for me at this time in my life it comes down to what I feel is right for me. I am someone that feels the need for guidance and inspiration from my Father in Heaven. That inspiration has not been as clear recently as I would like it to be but I can still make choices in the way I should go. I know that I was inspired to come to Denver  4 years ago for school. At that time I could have moved anywhere in the Denver Metro area, but I was lead to find housing in the Parker/Castle Rock area. This simple decision has lead to some of the best times in my life and making some of the best friends I have ever had. I know I could meet new people elsewhere because of how much I have grown here. But there is still something I am missing. Though I cannot explain what it is I know there is something for me that I still need to learn and/or find.

Change happens - that I know and have come to accept. Change will happen whether I leave or stay, but if you have something really good in your life that can lead you to something even better then why would you ever let that go??? Why should I move away from the amazing friends I have made in my ward? Why would I leave such an amazing place where I still have something left for me even though I don't know what that is? So, to any of my Crowfoot friends who might actually read this little rambling of mine, I am doing everything I can to stay within the ward boundaries for the foreseeable future. To those who thought I was leaving, this is coming as a little bit of a surprise to me too. I do not know where I will live. I have to search for an affordable apartment where I can move to by the end of June. I have to pack up my life again no matter what I do, but I am ready to be on my own once again. I am stronger than I was the last time I lived alone. I can be happy on my own (though someday I hope to have someone with whom I can share my life).

So bring on this last week at this job! Bring on the next stage of life! Bring on the change and I will show you what I can make of it!!!

It's Good to be put in Time Out

This weekend I had the amazing opportunity to go to San Antonio, TX for a Time Out with Katie and our friend Kris. I've enjoyed being in the south again and seeing the beautiful missions of San Antonio. I now have plenty to think about as I Choose to Become. Hopefully what I learned here this weekend will help me on my journey.

Good Life???

I want to be able say this is a good life and mean it...

On Being 28 and Single

Another birthday has come and gone. Frankly, if I hadn't taken the day off of work it really would have felt like just another day. Yes, it was fun to go to Pappadeaux with my friends as well as my parents the night before even though this lead to the inevitable "what about that guy or the other one" from my mother. How do I tell her that I've been interested in pretty much each one of them at one point or another over the last few year and it's always come to the same thing - they're not interested back. I'm still friends with all of them and don't know what I would do without them in my life, but in the long run I am as single now as I was 28 years ago - in some ways more so. I crave company but end up doing most things on my own. I have to decide every year if I'm going to sign yet another year long apartment lease in or pack everything away for another move. I have to find ways to earn my own living as well as maintain a home because there is no one else. I have to search for someone to listen when I have something to say (and 90% of the time I end up being the one that listens rather than being heard). When things go wrong I only have myself to blame. All you get by reading this blog is the ramblings of a crazy person. There are no accomplishments, no growing children, no tales of happy moments with "that special someone". The adventures have ended. If you want to continue wasting time reading these ramblings than stay tuned to find out what comes next.

For Grandpa

Mayhoffer/Baron/Norris Family

Thanksgiving 2007

Last family picture with Grandpa

Three years ago today my Grandpa, John Mayhoffer, passed away at the age of 82. I think about him every year at this time. He was quite gruff at times but we still love him. He was a smart man and a hard worker. He did a lot with his life. Though he was harsh with his words on more than one occasion I still miss him. I wish I could have spent more time with him. I know my Grandma misses him too. I'm glad I still have her around, but at 89 we're not sure how much longer she will be with us. I want to spend more time with her while I have the chance. For that to happen some other things will have to change. That means more difficult decisions for me, but I hope I can make the right choice that can help me feel like I have a purpose in life again instead of dreading each day.

Where's The Escape Button When I Need It?

I have really been thinking about what direction my life is headed right now and I have come to the conclusion that the major part of my life - my job - is dragging me down more than helping me out. Yes, it is a regular paycheck, but at the price of my sanity and losing focus on the important things in life. Since I have started this job I have forgotten important dates (such as when bills were due) and put off things that would help me in the long run. I cannot continue in this. I need an escape. So, I am thinking about other options I can do that will not drive me insane as much as this job and give me the time I need to find something more along the lines of my fields of study. There needs to be some changes in the next few months in order for me to feel like I am doing something worthwhile with my life. Things are going to change - I'm going to make them!!!

All we hear is...

I listen to the radio alot more than I used to since I started this job. Getting to listen to music most of the day is about the only thing that keeps me partly sane while I'm at work. Occasionally I will share the lyrics of the songs with one of my friends at work, but most often I keep them to myself. There are a few newer songs out there that when they come on the radio I will turn up the volume ever so slightly. The following are a few of those songs.









There is so much more I could say, but I don't think I can really put things in a very positive light right now. It's my least favorite time of year. I thought this upcoming holiday was starting to grow on me, changing me from being so jaded. Then reality hit me again and I remember why I dislike this holiday. Give me Christmas or St. Patrick's Day any day. You can keep Valentine's Day!

Apparently, I Know How to Throw a Fun Party

Since I moved to Colorado in the summer of 2007 I've had to find ways to continue enjoying the things I love about Louisiana. One of those things is Mardi Gras. I love the Mardi Gras season and really like being able to share this holiday with my friends who have never celebrated or even heard of Mardi Gras before. A quick word about the Mardi Gras season for those who don't know - the Mardi Gras season is also known as Carnival and starts on January 6th (Epiphany or Three Kings Day). The season goes until midnight on Mardi Gras day which can be as early as February 3rd and as late as March 9th. This year Mardi Gras (French for Fat Tuesday) is on March 8th.

This is my 4th Mardi Gras here in Colorado and many of my friends have come to anticipate my Mardi Gras parties. I've had 2 each year so far (one with lots of people and one with not so many). My first party this year was Friday night and it was a packed house - literally! I made a pot of Gumbo and a King Cake. Everyone just talked and enjoyed playing games. We ended the night with the Princess and the Frog - an excellent Mardi Gras movie!

This is my Gluten-Free Chicken and Sausage Gumbo



Another successful King Cake

Barbie found the baby!

Even though Tom has never been to a Mardi Gras parade certainly caught the spirit of my party

This is one of the least flattering pictures of me ever taken, but it just screams Mardi Gras. Sam holding a red plastic cup, me looking drugged/drunk, and Ryan grinning away pretty much sums up Mardi Gras. The funny thing is this was a Mormon Mardi Gras party so no alcohol or drugs, just a crazy fun time!!!



Everyone told me it was loads of fun. I'm still recovering, but I'm so glad I did it! Now, when to have the next one...

Perhaps I'll Make This My New Theme Song...

Sometimes, The Tears Just Come

Another Sunday full of people asking me how I'm doing. Things are ok, but that's about the extent of it. I can't explain the feeling of anxiety that comes upon me when I'm just sitting. Maybe it's partly because I really want just one person I can trust enough to open up my thoughts and feelings to. I keep thinking that I'll finally tell one of my friends how I'm really feeling or what I'm thinking, but they don't really listen. I start to say something, start to open up, and somehow the conversation shifts to them. So I close up and keep my thoughts to myself even though I'm bursting at the seams to say something. I'm tired of always being the one to just listen to everyone else talk about relationships and feelings. Do you have any idea what it's like to never have someone reciprocate feelings? No, you don't. You sit there in your ignorance thinking it would be better to never have had a relationship with a guy who broke your heart. But what you don't realize that guys can still break your heart without being in a relationship with them. "Do you know what it feels like being alone?"

I'm doing my best to pick up pieces and continue to move forward with my life. I'm learning to hold in the tears until I am alone so I don't make others uncomfortable when I'm around them. I'm fighting the feelings of anxiety so I can put on a smile for the world when all I want to do is scream. I'm learning who I can trust to just let me be me which isn't very many. I'm doing my best, and if you don't think my best is good enough when I tell you I'm trying then it's time for you to move on. I don't need your pity. I don't need your advice. I don't need your fake interest and condescension. It'd be nice to have a listening ear, but I've learned over the years that a friend who will actually listen is extremely rare and when that friend moves on finding someone to take that place is pretty much impossible. Somehow, I always end up being the one listening in the end...

Starting the New Year with a Bang...

... or more accurately, a small crash.

Not something I recommend!

This is to let my friends and family who are not near me know what happened.

New Year's Eve was a blast. I danced the night - and year - away with several friends from church. If you weren't at the dance, you missed out. There is a side of me that only comes out at dances. It's this care-free, party girl that will stay on the dance floor almost all night.

New Year's Day was pretty laid back. I slept in and went to the store to prepare for the next week of work. The first significant snow fall of the year in the Denver area fell a couple of days before and wasn't really melting because of the very cold temperatures. Still things weren't too bad. I decided to be social and go to a friend's party in Aurora about 20 miles away. The party was pretty fun but I was getting tired so I decided to head home around 11 so I could get some sleep. Perhaps that was my mistake...

Because of the road conditions I was trying to take it easy - at least easier than normal. Somewhere along the way a pickup truck ended up behind me. I was exiting the interstate onto Parker Road and this truck was tailgating me the whole way down. If the roads had been better I would have sped up a little, but I didn't want to slide off the road because of a jerk on my tail. I got onto Parker Road and moved over one lane. The truck behind me sped past me on the right (as I expected) and then sent me into shock. He pulled into my lane, slammed on his brakes for no reason, and though I hit my breaks I slid into him. The trailer hitch on the back of his truck punched a hole in my front bumper and he immediately took off. I sat there in shock - shock that someone would be that much of a jerk. I really didn't know what to do. I somehow decided that I should get to a well lit place and see how bad it really was as well as make the necessary phone calls. I called my insurance. They set me up with a claims inspection. I called the police. They told me to fill out a report online. (I don't remember the truck's license plate so there's really nothing they can do.) I called my friend Jason Aldridge. I am so grateful he answered! I knew I needed help. I, who am usually very aware of my surroundings, couldn't remember names of cross streets to tell him where I was. I was still in shock. I was in tears. I needed someone there with me. He and my wonderful friend Tiffany Lindsey made their way up to meet me and I decided that it would be better for me to make my way to a Wal-Mart just down the road. I went inside to wait for them, warm up, and call my parents. They didn't answer their phones because it was about midnight at this point. So I called Frances. I started to tell her what happened and she gave the phone to Dad who was still awake. For about the fourth time (not including the original incident) that night I relived that moment. He was ready to come over on the first plane to be with me but I told him not to... there's nothing more he could do that wasn't already being done. While I was on the phone with him Tiffany and Jason arrived. I had no idea how much I needed someone there with me until Tiffany let me cry in her arms. They let me sit there and cry. You must understand that I really don't let people see me like that. I'm supposed to be so strong and be able to handle anything that comes my way. Turns out I'm human after all.

After a little while we walked out to my car. The damage really isn't too bad. My front license plate was wrecked and a hole the size of a large fist now graced my front bumper. I lost my temper a little throwing the license plate, frame and all, on the frozen ground. They put me in the passenger seat of my car and Tiffany drove me home following Jason. I flinched every time she got within a car length of Jason's bumper. I just wanted to forget that it ever happened. I didn't need one more thing to go wrong!!! Though I really couldn't think straight I knew I really didn't want to be alone. Tiffany and Jason stayed with me, comforting me, embracing me. The great thing about being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is being able to receive a priesthood blessing in times of need. I asked Jason if he would give me a blessing and though I know I said somethings right after the blessing that were contrary, the blessing really did help. I ended up spending the night at Tiffany's (she had to take care of somethings at her place otherwise she would have stayed at my place). My nerves were so shot by this point (it was after 2AM). I didn't sleep much that night and my hands still shake just thinking about it.

My car is drivable (in case you hadn't already figured that out). I am not physically injured. I am driving again (had to go back to work somehow - need to pay for repairs). I am still working things out with my insurance. My car will have to go in the shop at some point. If anyone in the Denver area sees a green American made pickup truck, possible extended cab, with a trailer hitch and slightly messed up rear bumper take a picture and let me know. But if not, there will be full justice in the life to come.