I've been thinking quite a bit lately, more than I normally would seeing as I'm not in school anymore. I try to stop my self from thinking too much, but that's almost like trying not to breathe more than once an hour. I sit still and my brain keeps going. The only trouble is my thoughts only lead to more confusion. I think about the things I've done thus far in my life only to wonder why I worked so hard and have very little to show for it. I think about the things I've studied only to wonder why I can't remember more. I think about my parents only to wonder why I don't seem as important to them as my siblings. I think about my siblings only to wonder why I am the anomaly among them. I think about my friends only to wonder why I am so often left out when they "want to hang out with me". I think about the guys I've liked over time only to wonder why I was nothing more than a sister or a "great friend". I think about the guys I currently have interest in only to wonder if it's even worth it to bother. I think about my faith only to wonder why it so often seems in vain. I think about my future only to wonder if I'm heading in the right direction.
There is a song that I've been listening to that seems to fit this thinking perfectly. It is from the musical Wicked and is entitled "I'm Not That Girl"
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl
(I've added emphasis to the parts I feel apply to me.)
My mom got me this soundtrack for Christmas because ever since we went to see the show back in November she see's me as Elphaba. In many ways I am like Elphaba, but she gets the guy in the end where as I just get shafted everytime. That's why I can't even let myself start wishing anymore... my heart can't take the hurt.
I have now exposed myself more than I ever intended to do in this little blog of mine, but I suppose it's because I know how few people will actually read this. Most of my friends and family don't even know I have a blog. The ones who do know most likely only check it once in a blue moon because I, as a single female, have nothing of interest of which to share - no children, no real job, no more schooling, no touching stories about a significant other.
So, here's to too much thinking and a life of mediocre solitude.
