Trust Issues

I know I said I'd write about a more positive perspective on things, and I certainly will try, but I'm never quite sure how things will come out once I start to write what's on my mind. So, I am writing what has been on my mind since last week and will try to included the positive aspects of what I've been thinking.

Before I found out the disappointing news of last week I had occupied myself in fasting, praying, and hoping to get that job. I really wanted the opportunity to have a full-time job that would allow me to use what I had spent all my time in college learning. Last Tuesday I woke up thinking I should go to the temple in an effort to gain some calmness in my life. I went in to work and returned home where I began to sink into a bit of depression and laziness. I was talking to my mom at that time. She encouraged me to go even if I wasn't feeling great - going would help me feel better. I changed clothes and drove over to the temple. I don't remember much about the session; my thoughts were occupied on figuring out what to do with my life. When I entered the Celestial room I found a seat at the back of the room by myself and began to open up about everything I'd been thinking and feeling through prayer. There is something about praying in the Celestial room of a temple when I am there by myself that helps me to feel like Heavenly Father is actually listening to me instead of feeling like I am only talking to the air in front of me. As I sat there in prayer and in tears I felt more comforted and received an answer of "Trust in me."

The next day was a trying one in that I found out I wouldn't be getting that job and yet because of my experience the day before I knew I still had to trust that Heavenly Father was with me, helping me to have direction in my life. I went to Institute that night really feeling like I needed to talk to someone about everything that had happened in person and without the usual inevitable interruptions. I tend to put up barriers when it comes to the prospect of sharing thoughts and feelings with others because I have been burned or taken for granted by those I have trusted in the past. I ended up texting my friends/ home teachers with whom I had shared my frustration about the job situation a few days before. One of them responded asking if there was anything he could do. I told him I could really use someone to talk to though I knew how busy he was (I hesitate in asking for any one's time because I don't want to be a bother to them). I ended up meeting with him after institute to just talk. It was really nice to have someone listen to me even though it is a rare thing. He confirmed to me those things I already knew - that I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart.

It comes down to knowing that I have trust issues and those issues are becoming more and more apparent as I try to form and keep friendships. Some friendships are easier to face. I can be real around those people because they have seen the real me and refuse to accept anything less from me. There's Amanda who puts up with living with me and still likes to hang out with me. I really missed living with her for that year and will miss her once again when she moves on. There's Ashlee who in someways forced the friendship at first but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am very grateful that she made me open up to her and am very sad that she is moving away though I know it is what's best for her at this point in her life. There's my older sister Katie who really tries to listen though the kids are calling for her attention in the background. There's my younger sister Frances who tries to see things from my point of view and is always there to remind me that there is someone that still loves me. There's Erica who still remembers me after all these years of friendship and occasional periods of silence on my part. She still calls just to see how I'm doing though I know she's busy with her life in Chicago.

Through all of this I still feel I have to continually guard myself against the world. I go out to activities but don't really enjoy myself. I keep to myself. I have the real answer to "how are you doing?" and what I tell everyone else just to have an answer. I am really working on trusting people but I cannot do this alone. I need people in my life that when they ask "how are you doing?" they sincerely want to know the answer, not just a passing greeting. Meanwhile, my trust issues remain making it hard for me to really trust that one being who can help me no matter what the situation - my Father in Heaven.

(Un)wanted

Ok, it's about time I let those who actually read this little blog of mine know what's been going on. The plans in my previous post have been suspended for now due to other circumstances. The day after my last post I had an interview for a really good job that was sort of placed before me (I didn't seek it out). The interview went really well especially considering how I really didn't want to go into downtown Denver that day for the interview but went anyway. Before I left I was told "I'll let you know in 7 to 10 days." I had heard that before after other interviews but this time I believed it because he (the guy who interviewed me) knew that I had been kept in the dark about other jobs. Two weeks later I still hadn't heard anything and in my life no news is no job. After much prodding from my mom, my older sister, and my roommate I called him to get an update. Turns out an internal employee had expressed interest in the position and back out again before I interviewed only to express interest again after my interview. I was kind of bummed but still had a little hope because a final decision still had not been made. I was once again promised that I would be informed of the final decision soon. Fast forward to today, over a month since the interview, and still no news. I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I didn't get the job, but I needed to know for sure. I sent an email this time asking for an update - the internal employee had been offered and accepted the job. As I read the email I thought "I should be mad" and in some was I am. But more than anything I feel defeated once again. I'm living from day to day trying to figure out where the money will come from to pay the bills on time without being a burden to my roommate or to my family. Yes, I am glad I have people to help me out at times like this but I really want to be able to support myself for a change and put money into savings rather than constantly taking it out. I still want to get my Colorado Teaching License but can I really justify paying all the required fees over paying the electric bill or rent. True, I can probably do with eating less but I can't live without milk! It's stressful enough trying to figure out those daily expenses that I'm struggling to continue moving forward with the whole teaching thing. Who knows... it might end up being just another way to be rejected by potential employers who give false hope.

(P.S.- I plan on writing again soon about a more positive perspective on things. This is just what had to be written as an update on my small existence in this corner of the world. It's too late in the evening for me to write everything tonight.)