I've been thinking quite a bit lately, more than I normally would seeing as I'm not in school anymore. I try to stop my self from thinking too much, but that's almost like trying not to breathe more than once an hour. I sit still and my brain keeps going. The only trouble is my thoughts only lead to more confusion. I think about the things I've done thus far in my life only to wonder why I worked so hard and have very little to show for it. I think about the things I've studied only to wonder why I can't remember more. I think about my parents only to wonder why I don't seem as important to them as my siblings. I think about my siblings only to wonder why I am the anomaly among them. I think about my friends only to wonder why I am so often left out when they "want to hang out with me". I think about the guys I've liked over time only to wonder why I was nothing more than a sister or a "great friend". I think about the guys I currently have interest in only to wonder if it's even worth it to bother. I think about my faith only to wonder why it so often seems in vain. I think about my future only to wonder if I'm heading in the right direction.
There is a song that I've been listening to that seems to fit this thinking perfectly. It is from the musical Wicked and is entitled "I'm Not That Girl"
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl
(I've added emphasis to the parts I feel apply to me.)
My mom got me this soundtrack for Christmas because ever since we went to see the show back in November she see's me as Elphaba. In many ways I am like Elphaba, but she gets the guy in the end where as I just get shafted everytime. That's why I can't even let myself start wishing anymore... my heart can't take the hurt.
I have now exposed myself more than I ever intended to do in this little blog of mine, but I suppose it's because I know how few people will actually read this. Most of my friends and family don't even know I have a blog. The ones who do know most likely only check it once in a blue moon because I, as a single female, have nothing of interest of which to share - no children, no real job, no more schooling, no touching stories about a significant other.
So, here's to too much thinking and a life of mediocre solitude.
3 comments:
Hey Sis! I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you & I did read your blog, and as I was reading on Music and the Spoken Word came the following song... it is my thought to you... I love you
No man is an island,
No man stands alone,
Each man's joy is joy to me,
Each man's grief is my own.
We need one another,
So I will defend,
Each man as my brother,
Each man as my friend.
I saw the people gather,
I heard the music start,
The song that they were singing,
Is ringing in my heart.
No man is an island,
Way out in the blue,
We all look to the one above,
For our strength to renew.
When I help my brother,
Then I know that I,
Plant the seed of friendship,
That will never die.
I do read your blog, actually. I just really like peoples' blogs, and especially yours because you're witty, observant, thoughtful, and articulate. And this post especially reminds me of some of my own early-morning blog posts. Not that I know how you feel--probably a little bit, but not completely.
Can I just comment on one thing? Your last line--"mediocre solitude." We're in an interesting position, from the perspective of Womankind in General. We're among only the second or so generation wherein intelligent and ambitious young women have been able to really go full throttle, educationally and career-wise. Theoretically, at least. In practice, we work hard, do fantastically in school, feel awesome about it, collect multitudes of honors and diplomas, and then reach the other side and--whoa, wait, this is it? Can't find a job, job I find isn't all that satisfying, and by gum I was supposed to be dispensing brilliant insights and exceptional contributions to the world around me by now. We've spent our whole lives with the goals dead ahead in plain view--we had to run hard to get to them, yes, but once there it was so straightforward to snatch a leaflet as you breezed by. Now life has opened up into a vast plain with no clear paths, and if you want a milestone you have to scout out a location, design it, and build it yourself, which means feeling like you're staying put for long periods of time. Is that how you feel? That's about how my work life feels right now. And I think we underestimate the psychological adjustment that comes along with finishing school.
The only answer, and I believe it with all my heart, is that Heavenly Father didn't send us down here to become ridiculously well-educated, way beyond what our grandmothers ever dreamed of, so that he could then let it go to waste. You can't see how to get from here to there--from jobless and struggling to thriving in a satisfying career--right now, but it's going to happen and that's that. If you're not loving what you're doing in fifteen years, I'll eat my shoe : )
Boys...Jeane, you're terrific, and some boy is bound to notice it eventually, and if not, the millennium will be All-Jeane's-Dreams-Come-True time. It's probably not that far off, and you'll have a better selection anyway.
So I read your blog...That's why I am here, eh?
Anywho- I have no advice! Yep me speechless. I mean who am I to advise? I'd love to say hey "tomorrow is another day" and although true it offers NO consolation.
There is no answer that will suffice. Actually I agree a lot with Cassie. Every time you meet a milestone you think ok I am supposed to be fulfilled and happy right-so why do I feel so blah?
You get an education & blah. You get a job & blah. You get married, have kids & uber blah.
Unfortunately we do a great deal more enduring than enjoying. It is so hard to find the joy through the JUNK!
I know this doesn't help and I wish I could be your fairy godmother and make it all better but then I'd be plump and always smelling feet BLAH!
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