Sometimes, The Tears Just Come

Another Sunday full of people asking me how I'm doing. Things are ok, but that's about the extent of it. I can't explain the feeling of anxiety that comes upon me when I'm just sitting. Maybe it's partly because I really want just one person I can trust enough to open up my thoughts and feelings to. I keep thinking that I'll finally tell one of my friends how I'm really feeling or what I'm thinking, but they don't really listen. I start to say something, start to open up, and somehow the conversation shifts to them. So I close up and keep my thoughts to myself even though I'm bursting at the seams to say something. I'm tired of always being the one to just listen to everyone else talk about relationships and feelings. Do you have any idea what it's like to never have someone reciprocate feelings? No, you don't. You sit there in your ignorance thinking it would be better to never have had a relationship with a guy who broke your heart. But what you don't realize that guys can still break your heart without being in a relationship with them. "Do you know what it feels like being alone?"

I'm doing my best to pick up pieces and continue to move forward with my life. I'm learning to hold in the tears until I am alone so I don't make others uncomfortable when I'm around them. I'm fighting the feelings of anxiety so I can put on a smile for the world when all I want to do is scream. I'm learning who I can trust to just let me be me which isn't very many. I'm doing my best, and if you don't think my best is good enough when I tell you I'm trying then it's time for you to move on. I don't need your pity. I don't need your advice. I don't need your fake interest and condescension. It'd be nice to have a listening ear, but I've learned over the years that a friend who will actually listen is extremely rare and when that friend moves on finding someone to take that place is pretty much impossible. Somehow, I always end up being the one listening in the end...