(Un)wanted

Ok, it's about time I let those who actually read this little blog of mine know what's been going on. The plans in my previous post have been suspended for now due to other circumstances. The day after my last post I had an interview for a really good job that was sort of placed before me (I didn't seek it out). The interview went really well especially considering how I really didn't want to go into downtown Denver that day for the interview but went anyway. Before I left I was told "I'll let you know in 7 to 10 days." I had heard that before after other interviews but this time I believed it because he (the guy who interviewed me) knew that I had been kept in the dark about other jobs. Two weeks later I still hadn't heard anything and in my life no news is no job. After much prodding from my mom, my older sister, and my roommate I called him to get an update. Turns out an internal employee had expressed interest in the position and back out again before I interviewed only to express interest again after my interview. I was kind of bummed but still had a little hope because a final decision still had not been made. I was once again promised that I would be informed of the final decision soon. Fast forward to today, over a month since the interview, and still no news. I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I didn't get the job, but I needed to know for sure. I sent an email this time asking for an update - the internal employee had been offered and accepted the job. As I read the email I thought "I should be mad" and in some was I am. But more than anything I feel defeated once again. I'm living from day to day trying to figure out where the money will come from to pay the bills on time without being a burden to my roommate or to my family. Yes, I am glad I have people to help me out at times like this but I really want to be able to support myself for a change and put money into savings rather than constantly taking it out. I still want to get my Colorado Teaching License but can I really justify paying all the required fees over paying the electric bill or rent. True, I can probably do with eating less but I can't live without milk! It's stressful enough trying to figure out those daily expenses that I'm struggling to continue moving forward with the whole teaching thing. Who knows... it might end up being just another way to be rejected by potential employers who give false hope.

(P.S.- I plan on writing again soon about a more positive perspective on things. This is just what had to be written as an update on my small existence in this corner of the world. It's too late in the evening for me to write everything tonight.)

Update on Insanity

So, when I last wrote I was planning on retaking the PRAXIS Math Content test as part of applying for a Colorado Teaching License. Luckily I was smart enough to email the Colorado Department of Education before I signed up for the test because they responded advising me not to take any test at this time. So, I am now working on submitting my application for an initial teaching license. Once they have everything from me they will let me know what else I need to do which could still include taking a test. I still want to get my math back up to speed. (Cassie, you are more than welcome to join me in studying math. I'd like to go at least as high as Calculus, but you don't have to if you don't want to. I'm going to borrow some books my grandfather bought that are part of a series called "Teach Yourself...". Hopefully they will help.) I even went to the extreme of buying a new graphing calculator since the one I had in college has been misplaced over the years since graduation.

Therefore, over the next few weeks I will have to:
-get fingerprinted and submit to a Colorado Bureau of Investigation (CBI) background check ($$)
-get transcripts from all the universities I have attended ($)
-fill out the application and get ULM to fill out a section saying I completed their teacher education program ($)
-submit the application to the department of education ($$)

I hope I can keep the motivation I've had lately to finish this process and have the means to pay for all this as well as the everyday bills. I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy the opportunities that are presented to me. I know I'm not the greatest example for keeping a positive outlook on life, but I feel so much better when I have a goal and direction that I hope I can always have something to look forward to. I don't want to have the feeling I did at the beginning of this year where I had absolutely nothing in my future that I could focus on. Yes, life is hard, sometimes it really suck in the moment, but there are so many good things that can happen along the way that can balance or even cancel out the bad things. Moving forward feels so good!

I Must Be Insane!

I am seriously contemplating retaking a test that I took about 5 years ago in order to renew my teaching certificate (and by "seriously contemplating" I mean I am going to do it). The problem is that it's a math test and I have forgotten more math than most people ever learn. I haven't taken a math class in over 4 years and now I'm facing the prospect of refilling my brain with math concepts over the next six weeks. On top of that I still have to work both my jobs, help my family, and try to keep up with my social life for what it's worth.

I really don't know what is possessing me to do this. I thought I was done with teaching, but there is something that is pulling me back in. Is it the strange allure of school supplies every year that teaching would give me an excuse to buy them (and an income as well)? Is it the possibility of being employed but also having the summers to travel or just goof off? I don't know at this time. My life is such a mystery to me. I can't even really explain why I did things in the order I did them rather than choosing other paths. If I every figure out where my life is headed or even why I'm trying to go back to teaching I'll let ya'll know. In the mean time I need all the help I can get in preparing for and (re)taking this test. Here's hoping!!!

My Observation / Venting

I have recently resigned myself to the fact that there is no one person there for me when I really need the support or kick in the pants. Often my family is there for me. Occasionally a good friend. But most times it's just me and my own chutzpah that keeps me going from day to day. Mostly this is because people (at least the people I know) are so concerned with their own lives that they don't "have the time" to help me or show concern for me. What makes me notice this even more is that I am constantly sticking my neck out for others only to never receive the same concern in return.

I know I'm venting again, but I'm tired of being the world's door mat. I'm tired of working hard at both my jobs that are not really paying all the bills. I'm tired of going to all the church activities only to feel very alone. I love helping my sister with her kids, but what about when I need help.

Those who let me down the least are the members of my family. For that I'm grateful. I just wish my friends were less disappointing.

Nauvoo

I went on a roadtrip with some friends from church July 5th - 10th to the small and beautiful town of Nauvoo, Il. It was really fun and I think I'll let the pictures do most of the talking this time.