Faith Over Fear

Today I faced one of my fears. (I don't often admit to having fears so people take note.) I sang a solo in Sacrament Meeting at church. I love singing and have sung in choirs at church and in the community since I was about 12. I've even sung with my sister in a smaller meeting before. However, this was different. I was terrified, not of doing a bad job, but of being the only one that about 150 people were focused on for 5 minutes while I tried to share the sweet message of the song I'd chosen. I can't really explain my nerves, but I managed to somehow plow through them and finish much stronger than I started.

I want to share the story of how I came to choose the song I did and the process of getting me to follow through with singing a solo in church. About a year ago my sister Katie and I went to a women's conference called Time Out for Women. This was our second time going together. At the Friday night presentation a musician by the name of Michael McLean sang a few of the songs he'd written over the past 25 (now 26) years. One song in particular touched me, bringing tears to my eyes. (I bawled like a baby!) As he sang I remember thinking "This song is about me!" I ended up purchasing some of his CDs and this song was on one of them. I would play it in my car, singing along with the words and sometimes crying when I felt particularly low. Time went on and during one of my many trips to visit my parents in Utah last summer I found a song book with the music and lyrics for this song. Jackpot! I didn't really care that there were about 50 songs in that book, just that it had that song. Needless to say, I got the book not really planning anything.

At church they ask for volunteers to perform special musical numbers between the speakers. About 4 or 5 months ago I started feeling like I should share the song with everyone. The only problem was I needed practice... LOTS of practice. Events were set in motion and I was scheduled to sing in church in November, but I lost my voice. I'd felt like I'd dodged a bullet. December came and everyone wanted to sing some Christmas song and I was more than happy to let them. I didn't say anything about singing and no one said anything to me. Then about a month ago I again had a feeling that I should sing that song in church and soon. I knew that  the last Sunday in February and first Sunday in March would not be options due to the meeting schedule so I set my sights on today, the second Sunday. (There are many other reasons I wanted it to be on this date because of special significance it has in my life.) I spoke with a wonderful pianist and freind of mine, Cassandra, and we began practicing. It was a very rough start too, but thanks to Cassie's effort and encouragement I managed to get the hang of many of the phrasings I'd struggled with.

Then today came. I couldn't believe it when I woke up. A day that had seemed so far away when I made up my mind was now here. I had to sing a solo in church. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! My nerves were trying to get the best of me. When the time came to walk up front to sing I thought I was going to pass out or shake apart. Looking at the congregation I no longer knew what to think. I just knew I had to sing. Cassie started playing. I started shaking. The first notes came out wabbly. Thank goodness for practice because I finally had to just shut my eyes for a few moments while continuing to sing. I focused on the words I was singing and the message I was trying to share. By the time I started the last verse I knew I could finish stronger than I'd started. The last line of music came. The song ended. I'd done it. When I sat down I was shaking like crazy, but I had faced my fear head on and shared a message I'd wanted to share for a long time.

By this point you're probably wondering what song I sang that was so important for me to share. Fear not! I shall end this post by including the name and lyrics of this beautiful song. It's not quite the same as hearing someone sing it, but it's the best I can do for now.

Ninety and Nine

I am one of the ninety and nine.
I'm not perfect but basically I'm doing fine.
I have not lost my way,
I have not gone astray.
I'm just one of the ninety and nine.

I am here in the heart of the fold.
I'm not mindless, but I try to do as I'm told.
I'm not tempted to run,
And become the lost one.
I am here in the heart of the fold.

So, why is my Sheperd
Coming this way toward me?
He's holding His arms out,
And He's calling my name.
Yes, He's calling my name.
But how, how can this be?

I'm just one of the ninety and nine.
I have stumbled and fallen,
But I've kept in line.
I'm not one He must seek.
I'm not all that unique.
I'm just one of the ninety and nine.

So, why is my Sheperd
Treating me like a lost lamb?
He's searching to find me,
And He's holding me now.
Yes, He's holding me now,
And teaching me who I am.

So, why am I feeling
Like I'm the only one here?
It's like I'm His favorite,
And He takes me aside
And He sweetly confides
These remarkable words in my ear.

You are one of the ninety and nine.
Have you any idea how brightly you shine?
You are safe in this fold,
And it's time you were told
That I know where you've been so I know where you'll be
Because all of your life you've been following me.
You are more than just one of the sands of the sea
Or just one of the ninety and nine!

You are mine!
You are mine!
You are mine!
You are mine!

I am one of the ninety and nine.

8 Things! REALLY?!?

So, I really felt like writing something, but couldn't think of what. Then I remembered that I'd been tagged by one of my friends and fellow bloggers a while back and decided to look it up again to see what it was I was supposed to do. Well, it turns out it was nearly a year ago that I was tagged by Jenn so it's about time I fulfill this obligation. Here it goes...


8 things I'm looking forward to...

My 27th birthday! What?!? It's true. I have some awesome plans for my birthday which include picking up my mom from the airport and going to Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen with about 20+ friends so I can stuff myself with boiled crawfish. YUMMMMM!!!!

Going to see Mary Poppins on stage with my friend Ashlee and my sister and her fam. 4 adults and 4 kids at a matinee showing -- should be a blast!

The new Barenaked Ladies album "All In Good Time". Seriously, if you didn't know by now that I'm a big BNL fan then you've either been living under a rock or haven't been keeping up with my ramblings... possibly both!

Going to Utah. What could possibly be so good about Utah that I'm looking forward to going there again? Well, simply put - Michael Buble! My lil sis Frances and I have tickets to see his Salt Lake City show. I can't wait!!!

Warmer temperatures! Please!!! NO MORE SNOW!!!!!! It's been snowing here in Denver since September and I can't take much more of it!

My next hair appointment... don't know when it will be as of right now, but I'm still looking forward to it. I love my stylist Crystal (she's also my friend so that's a plus) and it's getting to the point where my hair needs to be thinned out a bit.

A date where the guy actually picks me up and drives wherever we're going. I've been on a few more dates than usual lately and, don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of fun. That said, I've also had to drive myself to different destinations to meet up with my last 4 dates which means I drive myself home at the end of the night. Seriously, is it too much to ask for a guy to come to my door, walk with me to his car, drive to the destination, and then walk me back to my door when it's all over? You wouldn't think so, but maybe it is. Oh well, I'll still look forward to that someday.

A full-time job with benefits. I know - now I'm really in dreamland. I'm just getting tired of being yanked around in my part-time jobs and having very little to show for it. It would also be nice if I could go to the doctor or even *gasp* the dentist and not have to pay out the wazoo.


Moving on now...

8 wishes...

Have a guy I'm interested in actually notice me for more than my friendship or sister-ness. In fact, it would be nice if there were a guy that would love me as much as my nephew James does. (Take note any single males out there - you have quite the standard to live up to and here's the proof.)

An endless supply of Blue Bell Ice Cream always in my freezer. (Yes, it's that good!)

The means to travel wherever I want, whenever I want. (Australia and Hawaii are on the list.)

My own, personal library with books from floor to ceiling making necessary the inclusion of those ladders you see in old movies that slide around the room. Also in said library would have to be comfortable seating areas including a nice little window seat.

An endless supply of yarn for my crochet habit (and the time to spend on projects). Other crafting supplies would be nice too, but I'm trying not to be too greedy.

A better understanding of things of a spiritual nature. I can fake my understanding farely well, but I wish I knew more.

A place in the solitude of nature for when I need to get away from everything. I've been thinking lately about going on a search for just such a place. Maybe I should do that... and soon.

For reality to be better than my dreams for a change.

And finally...

8 fellow bloggers...

Katie

David

Frances

Jill

Amy

Elicia

Cassandra

Ashlee


If I didn't pick you, don't feel bad. I only had 8 spots. I hope you enjoy this little insite into the inner workings of me.

That's Life

Lately, when people have asked me how I'm doing I haven't really known how to respond. Yeah, things aren't great for me right now. I'm not where I hoped I'd be by this point in my life. Things could be much better than they are, but that's life.

(Don't let it get you, don't let it get you down
For this world keeps on spinning 'round)

That's life
That's what all the people say
You're riding high in April
You're shot down in May
I know I'm gonna change that tune
When I'm back on top in June

I say that's life
And as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks
Stompin' on your dreams
But I don't let it, let it get me down
'Cause this fine ol' world keeps spinning 'round

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out
But I know one thing
Each time I find myself, flat on this face
I pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
I can't deny it
I thought of quitting, baby
This heart wasn't gonna buy it
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up and get back in the race
That's life
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll
I'm gonna roll
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
Can't deny it
That's life

Goodbye, February! You have been a fickle friend bringing me happiness and heartache - sadly more of the latter than the former.

I hope and pray that March brings me many good things and few, if any, bad. It's been good to me in the past and there are a couple of things I'm looking forward to at the end of the month - Buble and BNL!!!
Please don't let me down!

WHO DAT!

In case you don't know, I am a Saints fan! I normally could care less about the Super Bowl and usually don't even know who's playing. But get the Saints in the game and I'm all over it! Now, don't misjudge me by anymeans. I have never skipped church for football and today was no exception. I went to church - got there early in fact - and I stayed the entire time! The great thing about it all was that I was able to stay for all of church, leave as soon as it was over, and still make it home in time for the coin toss. I invited people over, but only one person came other than my room mate, Jessica. Am I upset that people didn't come? NO! The Saints were so awesome that I was jumping for joy and probably would have stepped on someone. Plus, I didn't have to put up with people cheering for the other team in my home. I'm glad I was able to watch the game. I'm glad the Saints proved the doubters wrong. And I'm glad to be a part of the Who Dat Nation!

Saints 31 Colts 17, Drew Brees MVP, First Super Bowl appearance in franchise history, First Super Bowl win! Laissez les bon temps rouler!!!

Think Too Much

I've been thinking quite a bit lately, more than I normally would seeing as I'm not in school anymore. I try to stop my self from thinking too much, but that's almost like trying not to breathe more than once an hour. I sit still and my brain keeps going. The only trouble is my thoughts only lead to more confusion. I think about the things I've done thus far in my life only to wonder why I worked so hard and have very little to show for it. I think about the things I've studied only to wonder why I can't remember more. I think about my parents only to wonder why I don't seem as important to them as my siblings. I think about my siblings only to wonder why I am the anomaly among them. I think about my friends only to wonder why I am so often left out when they "want to hang out with me". I think about the guys I've liked over time only to wonder why I was nothing more than a sister or a "great friend". I think about the guys I currently have interest in only to wonder if it's even worth it to bother. I think about my faith only to wonder why it so often seems in vain. I think about my future only to wonder if I'm heading in the right direction.

There is a song that I've been listening to that seems to fit this thinking perfectly. It is from the musical Wicked and is entitled "I'm Not That Girl"

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

(I've added emphasis to the parts I feel apply to me.)

My mom got me this soundtrack for Christmas because ever since we went to see the show back in November she see's me as Elphaba. In many ways I am like Elphaba, but she gets the guy in the end where as I just get shafted everytime. That's why I can't even let myself start wishing anymore... my heart can't take the hurt.

I have now exposed myself more than I ever intended to do in this little blog of mine, but I suppose it's because I know how few people will actually read this. Most of my friends and family don't even know I have a blog. The ones who do know most likely only check it once in a blue moon because I, as a single female, have nothing of interest of which to share - no children, no real job, no more schooling, no touching stories about a significant other.

So, here's to too much thinking and a life of mediocre solitude.